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[09 Oct 2006|06:08am] |
I have yet to understand how guys can sleep with girls without developing feelings. I've tried it, and it's been completely futile. the worst is sleeping with someone who doesn't want to date you, but wants an emotional attachment. "makes the sex better," he tells one of your friends.
it hurts so fucking much to say, "I like you a lot," and then hear nothing but "thank you."
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[12 Sep 2006|11:11pm] |
the light is seeping through the cracks in the fence
north, south, east, west
absinthe today keeps the memories away
projections tainted by static silence
shivering the tattered clothesline of my nerves
put on a brave face
and make lemonade
but oh so bitter
these remnants of you
words fading like stars
across the vibrating sweep of sky
ear to ear
smile cracking
bright eyes now wooden
against the achingly sonorous and
arrogant sanguinity of the guileless
first disbelief at your brittleness
shattering under the tension of reality
remission.
intermission.
second bloom of regret
cigarettes instead of meals
this manifestation leads me to the water
why won't you drink
north, south, east, west
I want to curl up inside you
until every cell bursts with the exultation that I was wrong
and then gravity presses me down again
whispering that you are a phantom
and that I will never be more than a little ghost
both in my life and yours
paradigms shifting.
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[17 Aug 2006|04:19pm] |
Oh god. My life is more like a movie every day.
I've gone on three very pleasant dates with a certain tall English fellow. Lovely accent, lovely manners, lovely everything. Although I can tell that he very much likes me, he's been taking things very slow. It's been a nice change of pace.
Well.
I found out today through a mutual contact that he has kids. Plural. Not only that, the oldest is 18.
Shit! Shit shit shit!
So what does this mean? He never told me, but I never asked. It's not something about which I can really be upset, and truth be told, I'm not angry or anything- it's just a little weird. Never mind the fact that the guy's probably got 15 years on me. Eh, what could I have expected? There exist no tall, handsome British men over the age of 18 without some kind of baggage.
He's not married. I'm sure he was at some point. Having heard nothing of these said children, I can only assume that they don't live with him. I saw his apartment. I saw nothing suspect.
Ha, the first man in life to truly pursue me.
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[07 Aug 2006|10:51am] |
I want to be a good woman
and I want, for you to be a good man
this is why I will be leaving
and this is why, I can’t see you no more
I will miss your heart so tender
and I will love
this love forever
I don’t want be a bad woman
and I can’t stand to see you be a bad man
I will miss your heart so tender
and I will love
this love forever
and this is why I am leaving
and this is why I can’t see you no more
this is why I am lying when I say
that I don’t love you no more
cause I want to be a good woman
and I want for you to be a good man
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[29 Jul 2006|01:53am] |
wine warms the pressure in my chest cavity
lifting up through the crown of my head
regrets and disappointments
in gradient hues of red.
burning brightly behind my lids
these shades of you
and I close my eyes against them.
I shut you out
and simultaneously shelter you deep inside me
where you'll remain
a mist of memories
vaseline covered lenses
wishful thinking
that will never come to fruition.
I am ashamed of this.
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[26 Jul 2006|11:48am] |
It's been an exhausting week thus far. Something is wrong with me, inside my chest. I can't breathe and I'm having heart pains. My heart rate was so abnormally high that the doctor freaked out. Tests have been performed and more have been ordered, and the inside of my elbow is black and blue and red and tender from all of yesterday's extractions.
I have been quite sure that I am going to die five times in the past 60 or so hours. Twice has been at work, an hour from home and practically in another world. 911 has been called three times. While I joked last week that I thought I might die but didn't care, these past few days have terrified me. I haven't been able to control my body; the tightness in my chest, making it impossible to draw a full breath, the dizziness, the nausea, the blackouts. The doctor didn't ease any worries when he told me that this is life-threatening and that I need to go straight to a hospital should symptoms return. They have returned several times, but here I stay. I woke up gasping, feeling as though I might expire, driving to work in a daze. I am reluctant to tell them anything, though. The only reason I left work before was because the ambulance wasn't coming and I had to drive to the immediate care clinic. I couldn't risk the likely possibility of a permanent position with this company by calling in again.
I'm rambling. I'm just really scared, and this helps. Sitting here as still as possible is impossible, but I can't stand. I can't move.
Please come get me.
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[19 Jul 2006|02:50pm] |
There you go and baby, here am I.
Well, you left me here so I could sit and cry.
Golly gee, what have you done to me?
Well I guess it doesn't matter any more.
Do you remember baby, last September,
How you held me tight, each and every night?
Oh baby, how you drove me crazy -
Well I guess it doesn't matter any more.
There ain’t no use in me a-cryin'.
'Cause I've done everything and now I'm sick of tryin'.
I've thrown away my nights,
Wasted all my days over you.
Now you go your way, baby, and I'll go mine,
Now and forever ‘till the end of time,
And I'll find somebody new, baby,
We'll say we're through,
And you won't matter anymore.
There ain’t no use in me a-cryin'.
'Cause I've done everything and now I'm sick of tryin'.
I've thrown away my nights,
Wasted all my days over you.
Now you go your way, baby, and I'll go mine,
Now and forever ‘till the end of time,
And I'll find somebody new, baby,
We'll say we're through,
And you won't matter anymore.
And you won’t matter anymore.
And you won’t matter anymore.
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[17 Jul 2006|10:35pm] |
I go out in public now
more than you might think
but only after pills and drinks
that's how I remember-
I still run the show
don't you forget it
and so I had to let some go
don't think I don't regret it
because I do
and I don't
think I'm better off alone-
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[16 Jul 2006|10:56pm] |
the question isn't who you think you are, since you have made that abundantly and obnoxiously clear, but rather who you think I am to assume I would tolerate any of this bullshit.
you have graduated to finally leaving voicemails. predictably, they're all time stamped later than midnight and are full of excuses for your bad behavior and void of any discernible concern for the girl you "love."
I'll take you seriously once you call me from the airport and tell me you bought a ticket out here just to see me.
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[09 Jul 2006|11:32pm] |
and just like that, I am calm, level headed, and strong again. there is nothing more delicious than feeling wholly filled to the core with self love and acceptance, rejecting all the ugliness brought on by a reality check.
goodbye, stranger, it was good while it lasted. actually, it wasn't good at all. you were terrible to me, and I can finally say that, detached, cloaked behind typed words that you will never deserve to hear from my lips.
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[09 Jul 2006|02:04am] |
I get it. he's just not that into me-
time to stop projecting fantasies.
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[06 Jul 2006|10:46pm] |
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I hate you.
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[04 Jul 2006|02:39am] |
you were wrong when you said everything's gonna be alright
you were right when you said all that glitters isn't gold
you were right when you said all we are is dust in the wind
you were right when you said we are all just bricks in the wall
and when you said manic depression's a frustrating mess
you were right when you said you can't always get what you want
you were right when you said it's a hard rain's gonna fall
you were right when you said we're still running against the wind
and life goes on long after the thrill of living is gone
you were right when you said this is the end-
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[29 Jun 2006|08:48pm] |
Day 2 of my fast. I try and do this at least twice a year, but it has never been as easy as this time. I've decided to measure my progress not in days but in weight loss, the desired result being a cumulative loss of 15 pounds, which I know is okay because I can drop that much and still keep my ass. I went ahead and modified the fast to include caffeine and nicotine, but I've been limiting it to just a couple cups of coffee and 4-5 cigarettes a day, one on the way to work, one at lunch, one/two on the drive home (it's an hour of sitting in traffic!), and one before bed. Happily, going to sleep earlier is helping.
Sometimes I worry that I'm manic. These highs and lows could be inspired (or at least exaggerated) by certain situations, one in particular. Ugh, it's so unfamiliar for me to be in this position of uncertainty and even, fuck, a desperation of sorts. Desperation for some kind of closure, negative or positive. It's painful. Sometimes I feel really good, really accomplished. Other times, I just feel a penetrating sadness. Generally, I feel pretty fucking empty-
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[27 Jun 2006|10:55am] |
My best friend called late last night to tell me that he had finally had The Talk with Michael. This boy had been in love with Jay from the beginning, which had been flattering and even potentially reciprocated within the first week, but had deteriorated quickly. His profuse and vocal appreciation for Jay's writing and other great proliferation of talents soon revealed itself as thinly blanketed insecurity and the need for constant affirmation.
we both lay in bed on our backs, voices low and naked with pain. "Where are these boys?" I whispered.
"I don't know that they exist," he replied finally, after hesitation caused not for lack of a response, but rather by the culmination of steely disappointment weighing heavily in both of us.
"I think you might be quite right," I conceded, tired of pretending otherwise.
I had told myself firmly that should He call, I would not answer. Falling asleep, my phone rang. Holding the caller id up to the light, I saw His name and cursed under my breath. I shut off the ringer, watching His name flashing in the window. Another expletive, and I answered before the call could go to voicemail. It was short and not unpleasant, but left me feeling as cold and damp and grey as the early morning sidewalk after an overnight soak.
I don't know that they exist-
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[27 Jun 2006|12:05am] |
you only care about yourself.
I wish I had a river so long-
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[13 Jun 2006|10:48pm] |
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god, i miss you-
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[12 Jun 2006|10:39pm] |
and now I know
spanish harlem are not just pretty words to say
I thought I knew
but now I know that rose trees never grow in new york city
until you've seen this trash can dream come true
you stand at the edge while people run you through
and I thank the lord there's people out there like you
I thank the lord there's people out there like you
while mona lisas and mad hatters
sons of bankers, sons of lawyers
turn around and say good morning to the night
for unless they see the sky
but they can't and that is why
they know not if it's dark outside or light
this broadway's got
it's got a lot of songs to sing
if I knew the tunes I might join in
I'll go my way alone
grow my own, my own seeds shall be sown in new york city
subway's no way for a good man to go down
rich man can ride and the hobo he can drown
and I thank the lord for the people I have found
I thank the lord for the people I have found
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[12 Jun 2006|10:10pm] |
athena brighteyes
hector tamer of horses
no good can come out of it
running ajax
hard hearted achilles
I don't think you should go
silverbow apollo
zeus cloudbearer
either way, you lose
thetis silverfoot
like lions
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[11 Jun 2006|12:15am] |
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why doesn't he love me?
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